The power of a mom.....

One of the things I am constantly praying about is the balance in being a mom. I want to ALWAYS be the safe place for my kids to land. The place they know they can call when they need love and support no matter what they have done. At the same time I am the one (along with their father of course :)) to teach them right from wrong and build their moral compass. This I think will remain a constant balance for their whole life.

With an infant it is easy (in this sense, I think my previous posts document that I know it has it's own challenges). You can't really spoil them and you hold the key to everything. Your touch, hug, and kiss can cure most anything. They NEED you for EVERYTHING. You are their safe place, and you are their home base. You are all they want. Then something happens.... they start to grow up. So quickly things change. They knowingly do things they shouldn't, they lie, they talk back, and more then anything they challenge you! And you have to correct and explain WHY what they are doing is wrong to help develop that moral compass. A very good friend, who has awesome grown children, once told me you have until they are 7. You have to build in that moral base by then. You are still the world and what you say matters so much to them. It doesn't mean you are done or that its easy after (I mean hello preteen and teenage years) but if that base is established you have a starting and ending point. You have a place to draw from in those challenging years. Which means with Peyton half of that time is up for me! We have conversations that let me know a LOT is getting in... and we have a long way to go!

At the end of all of this molding and and shaping and helping them to grow I hope there are five things that I do as well as my mom did:

1. I always know I can call her. No matter what. If I am sad, mad, lost, frustrated, you name it she is almost always my first call. I know she will try to listen and offer advice. But most importantly I know I will find someone on the other end who is always on my side. Even if I am wrong. Trust me... she will tell me I am wrong, BUT I know it won't change that she is on my side to help me get it right. During this rough patch with Nolan and breastfeeding and dairy allergies I called her just bawling and her message was "it will be all right" Then she calmly talked me through what I needed to do. When I ran into someone with my new Tahoe, when Jared and I were just married, and I discovered I had not put the car on the insurance she was there to help me. She lent me the money. I paid every cent back, but she was there to help me figure it out. When I first called her I was SURE I was going to jail and couldn't even think straight. We got through it. I know she is my sister and brothers first call most of the time too. I want to be that person for my kids. I want to be the person they know they can call. Call for support but still an honest answer. Figuring this balance out is at the top of my mom to do list.

2. Teaching me it is ok to say I am sorry. My mom wasn't afraid to tell us when she had messed up. And through that I learned two things. One, if it is ok for my mom to say she was sorry and admit she was wrong then it was ok for me too. Two, adults aren't perfect. Your teachers, coaches, friends parents... everyone messes up. So sometimes when you feel like they are wrong in how the dealt with you... the truth is they might be. They makes mistakes too. It doesn't make them bad and you can learn so much from them, but they aren't Jesus. No matter how much you admire them they mess up too. Don't mistake them or anyone else for perfect.

3. Grace. It goes with number 2. You have to forgive people when they are wrong, because they WILL mess up. There are some things that we forgive but don't forget. We sometimes have to remove people from our lives if it is an unhealthy relationship, but that doesn't mean we should hate them. We have to forgive them for our "personhood" (she likes that word). She modeled this every day with my siblings and I. I of course alway felt I deserved her forgiveness, but I honestly don't know how she ever forgave the other two :). I probably learned more about grace from watching her forgive them then I did anything else. Cause like I said they didn't deserve it like I did (in my childhood mind), so if she forgave them so easily then that must be what I should do. Honestly she is MUCH better at this then I am. MUCH! This is one of those things I have to keep working on and praying about. I am good at the removal part but not so great at the forget. I am somewhere in the middle on forgive. 

4. A man doesn't complete you. My parents have been married for 34 years. I never thought they needed the other one to be a whole person. I always thought they were happier together and wanted to be together but never thought she needed him to be her. She had things that were just hers and vice versa. They love each other unconditionally and have supported each other completely. We moved across the country for my Dad's job and my Dad supported my mom when she changed careers to become a minister. But she always taught me you have to be a whole person before you find a relationship. You can't have a happy marriage otherwise, and for that matter your husband has to be a whole person too without you. So not only does a man not complete you, you can't complete someone else. 

5. God really does love you no matter what. I think we see this most by the way our parents love us. They model unconditional love and that is how we can begin to understand God's love for us. I have no doubt that no matter what I did my mom would be there by my side. So if she loves me that much imagine what God's love is like. I think having children I now understand it even more. I want my kids through me to also learn of God's love. I want them to have no doubt that no matter what I would be there and through that understand that they serve a God who is also there through it all.

I mean really those are no big deal right? It should be easy to live up to everything my mom has taught me and loved me through right? Don't get me wrong my mother can make me madder then anyone and we can disagree on many things, but I know she always has my back. It is why I could try new things, why I was able to start down a path realize it was wrong and redirect my course. I knew that no matter what she would be there to help me through. I just hope my kids get the same security from me!

Six Weeks.... Can't Imagine

Nolan has made it to six weeks. I can NOT believe that is possible!!! Although he has begun smiling which just melts my heart....

With Peyton John Paul paid me 60% of my salary for 8 weeks (6 if you didn't have a c-section) with no extra insurance required. After my maternity leave was over with Peyton, at 8 weeks, I was able to work part time the rest of that year. They worked this out for me for that first year so I would have more time with her. It was awesome because as busy as some days got with basketball and teaching I always knew I had the next day to spend with her, just the two of us, however I wanted to. This time I don't have temporary part time work, but I will be home until he is 14 weeks. The last 5 weeks or so she will be back to preschool and he and I will have time just us. So I feel blessed in both situations to have time with my babies that so many people don't get.

But it raises the question for me... what if I was ALREADY back to work yesterday???? He was six weeks last Friday and MOST women who have to work for financial reasons have to go back to work after 6 weeks. I honestly can't imagine how they do it. The thought of it breaks my heart. I feel like there has to be a better way. I watch HGTV all the time, and so many of the shows like Love it or List it are based in Canada. Women on there are talking about having to go back to work after a YEAR! I am not sure if they are paid or just guaranteed their job back or really how it works but that must be AMAZING as a mom. I know this gets into socialized medicine and all kinds of other debates, but I feel like there has to be a better way.

For me I wouldn't want to not coach for a year. It is to big of a part of who I am, but to have options to be home more while you have an infant would be great. In my current job, the only form of maternity leave is to take out long term disability and how much you can collect is limited. For some of my friends they do not even have that option. The only thing they have are their vacation and sick days.

Again I don't know what the answer is. My husband runs a small company and if they had an employee leave for a year on maternity leave they would have a major problem keeping things going. I am not saying that I know what the answer is but I think there has to be a better one. One that helps women have time with their babies while they are so small and need their mommies as much as their mommies need them!!!!

You forget so much.....

Nolan will be one month tomorrow!!! This first month, just like with Peyton, is both the fastest and slowest out there. The days (and nights) can be long and stressful, but looking back I can't believe this sweet little guy is a month old!

I learned a lot in this last month. As stressful and big changes usually do, it forced me to examine things. There are definitely things even as a second time mom you realize you have forgotten, didn't listen to others about and then the list that people don't talk about. Here's my top ten...

1. You really do want to hold that baby all the time. All I want to do is snuggle with him. I don't co-sleep because I am scared of the danger of it, but even a month in and even when I am exhausted I have to talk myself into laying him down so that he can get rest and so can I.

2. The sleep deprivation sucks! This kid sleeps about as well as a baby can and I am still exhausted. Not quite hallucinating like I am pretty sure we both did with Peyton, but it still sucks. Those 8-10 hours are amazing and you forget how amazing until they are taken away.

3. "Breast is best"unless it is making you crazy, hate your life and even angry at a new born. Oh and if your kid has allergies and it seems no matter what you are doing you feel like you are poisoning him. Then not so best. Mothers face more pressure from society to do things in a certain way then maybe any other group. Everyone has an opinion about the best way to raise your child....even people you don't know. And people who have NEVER RAISED A CHILD!!! It makes it hard to make a rational choice sometimes. In the end you have to do what works best for your child..... we are now on formula. Everyone in this house is functioning better... including my child's tummy!

4. Once again your dogs become that.... dogs. Don't get me wrong I love our animals but seriously they bark at the wrong times, the jingle their stupid collars and WAKE UP THE BABY!!!!!!

5. There is NO TIME! I forgot how little time there is for anything! Sleep when they baby sleeps... HA! First you have to convince the baby to sleep somewhere other then your arms. (Thankfully this is going much better the second time). But when do dishes get done, laundry get washed, oh and your older child get attention?!?!? Right... when the baby sleeps! So no..... unless it is after 10pm and before 7am I do not get to sleep when the baby sleeps. And even in those hours I find myself listening to his breathing making sure he is ok.... deep sleep might return some day....

6. The baby wants you.... not just someone to hold him but you. Jared is a GREAT and hands on dad, but there are times that only mommy will do. You have spent the last 9 months together and you are the one with the right smell, right voice and right touch. Sometimes only you can comfort him. This is both AMAZING and AWFUL all at once. It means that you can't always catch a break even when help is around. However it sure is a reward for those 9 months that sometimes just your arms around him instantly stop the crying. And if Peyton is any indication this continues..... until at least 3 and half and counting.

7. Everyone else seems to forget how hard it is. If you put on a tough face and keep moving they forget you had major surgery (c-section here) or that you are hormonal as all get out... you just had a baby! The world thinks this ends in like a week.... HA!

8. Your body sure takes a while to come back. I forgot how long it took to get back in my pants after Peyton. I am now remembering!! But who has time to cook and shop for healthy food with two kids. I was doing good working out.... now Peyton is sick with a fever and we have to keep them separated so he doesn't get sick. There goes what time I had found this last week!

9. You are TRAPPED. Not everyone will agree with me on this. Some moms don't get trapped. But I am. Trying to keep your under 2 month old from getting sick means keeping him home (unless he has a germy 3.5 year old sister then it means keeping him in your room). You are regulated by a feeding schedule and his need to be kept healthy to avoid something serious at such a young age. There are great things to this... LOTS of snuggle time and bonding time with you and your baby. But for an on the go person, who LOVES to travel and coach her summer team in July there is another part of you that feels trapped. I wouldn't trade the time with him and I wouldn't give it up for the other things I love, because I know I will never EVER get these days back. And I am much more aware of how fast they go this time.

10. You have never loved anything so much...AGAIN. They steal your heart. I didn't think I could have room to love another being like I do Peyton. But as my sister told me it is like your heart just creates another space.... when he was born I just had more love. Didn't divide it... God just gave me more to hand out. It is an amazing feeling again. Worth every bit of sickness, swelling, and discomfort over the last 9 months. And it is worth everything we sacrifice as mom's and more. No doubt and every time!

So to my fellow moms of babies.... Soak it all up b/c they are not infants very long AND it is ok to need a minute and a shoulder to cry on!!!! (I am really telling myself this more then anyone else!)

And the 45 min nap is over....... I probably should have done laundry.....