Seriously....

Nolan will be one! In about a week. I have often heard the phrase the days can be long but the years are short....This is so true.

A very good friend of mine, who I will not name as I didn't ask permission, is dealing with a difficult time in her life. However for this time to end and life to get easier she will eventually lose something she loves very much. So yesterday at lunch we talked about how hard that is. To want to get to an easier place but still live in the moment and realize that getting to an easier place means the loss of something. Something you can't get back....

That's how I feel about the first year of my babies life. Please do NOT get me wrong. I LOVE infant snuggles and I LOVE watching them change each and every day. But it is HARD! And if you say it isn't you either have more help then me, are lying, or I don't know what other option there is. I lived the first six months or so of each of my child's lives sleep deprived as we all do but this makes me a little crazy. I worry about EVERYTHING. I mean I worry about everything anyway..... but hormones and lack of sleep take it to a new level. But I have realized, much more with the second then the first, how worth it it is. I have tried to hold on to every snuggle when I rock him and every baby giggle I get from him realizing that for both the good and the bad this to shall pass. He will be 2 before I know it just like he is 1 and I don't think I barely blinked.

My message in all this, 100 percent to myself. because I am truly not sure anyone else reads this, is that while I can't go out like I used to, or drink a hot cup of coffee in the morning, or sometimes be quite as present at work, or sleep in, or feel carefree (almost ever) or, or ,or...... I am lucky. Lucky to have two awesome kids, be married to my best friend, have a roof over my head, have an extended family I love and who loves and supports me, live down the street from the best friends in the world etc etc.... I honestly don't have the right to complain. I have more to be thankful for then to be stressed about. WAY MORE. And that could change at any moment (again I tried to tell you I worry). So today I say to myself and everyone.... let's try to be in the moment. Even if that moment is covering your hair with throw-up at 2am (yes that happened recently) and even if that moment means (insert extended family member here) is driving you crazy. How lucky am I to have them?

Very........

Who really suffers?

Who really suffers?

It is always this time of year that I feel like I miss my kids. Having a baby this year magnifies it all because they change and grow SO fast. But in reality, while I know they miss time with me I have been thinking about who really is missing out.

My kids have a blast at school. I mean Nolan reaches for his teacher each morning. Peyton has good friends and plays and is learning new things all the time. It is me who is really cheated; not them. They know they are loved and they don’t know anything any different as far as school goes. I am the one who misses out, and not just on them. The guilt of being gone at works means when I am not working I feel this pull to be with them. So I miss out on anything that even resembles me time. I miss out on the recharge that in reality probably would make me a better wife, mother, coach and teacher. I push myself to a breaking point…. Then after breaking the cycle starts again.

My husband suffers. I have a shorter fuse and because of the pull I feel not to leave my kids we rarely go out. I honestly can’t remember the last date night we had… and it’s not his fault it is mine.

The joy in my career suffers. Not while I am doing it…. I mean I don’t lack passion or drive… but I feel guilty when it is over and guilty when I realize I have been so entrenched in my job that I haven’t thought about them in two hours. I really do LOVE to coach. I think I am pretty decent at it. I want to stop feeling guilty for that. Stop feeling guilty for wanting to do both. I want to be great at both…. I want to not feel guilty for wanting to be a working mom….

I know I am not alone. I know I am not the only working mother who feels this. There are many working mothers who want to actually stay home…. But does it make me bad that I don’t want to? I mean I definitely wish I had more time with my kids. In a perfect world there would be a better balance. But the truth is doing what I love doesn’t come easily in a part time package….

Trying to balance living my life that I worked so hard for AND balancing being all I can be for them…. I am guessing none of you out there have the answer???

I'm just gonna have to say it....

Ok I just feel the need to say this. I am sorry if I am offending you, it likely may not be the last time but I just can't hold it in.

I know a LOT of people on social media are making money through fitness. I am glad for you that you have a career with something you are passionate about. I am glad you are able to make money and that you yourself have a body I envy but PLEASE stop. PLEASE.

I stil have 20 (of the 65) baby pounds I gained to lose. I have trained and run a half marathon. I squeeze in every second I can to work out. but PLEASE do not say its just about wanting to, just about making time, anyone can find time.... AHHHHHHH.

I get up at 5:30am and do NOT stop until 8:00pm when Peyton goes to bed. My husband does the same. I squeeze in every workout I can.... I WANT to be thinner. I know if I go on a starve myself or deny myself everything diet from experience I will gain it all back the minute I stop. Jared gets to workout in place of lunch at work and then eat as his desk. I could do that IF I didn't eat lunch until 2:45 each day. And some days I do.... I squeeze it in. But please do not imply I can make it happen if only I wanted to. Again I know the MANY people I follow who are posting this stuff aren't meaning to be this way. But really people would only buy your product, attend your workout etc.. IF they weren't happy with their own bodies.

We know how good you look, we know you have something for me to buy or a service to sell. I am probably bitter and that is why I am typing this but I promise I am not the only one. Please get a page dedicated to your business.... or I guess I should just unfollow, block, hide or whatever you call it.

That is all I have.... let the unfriending begin....

Why??

I have gotten this question a lot lately. I am sure it is having an infant that has sparked the questions again. The last time I got them Peyton was a baby. Why do you coach? You are away from your family a lot. And yes this is true. And it is harder when they are so tiny and all you want is snuggles and they can't be at games as often. Then you factor in the times I complain to my friends about a difficult situation faced from coaching and they really don't get it. So I will explain why..... Because there are years and days where I ask myself that.

1. It's in my blood. I was running on Sunday and the song Reality by Kenny Chesney came on. For those of you who don't do country basically it's about what in your life you do to escape reality and for him it's his music. For me its 32 mins on a Tuesday and Friday night. which brings me to number 2....

2. Teamwork.... Working with a group every day for a common goal and it all coming together. Planning and setting players up to be successful. Calling a play and watching them execute it.

3. The Special years. My first special year was the first year I was with cy fair.... We were the second team. I had 9 kids. I had zero problems. The kids played hard, the played for each other. They were coach able. I was pregnant with Peyton at the time. We didn't win any championships but I smile every time I think about that team and I know in my heart the kids do too! This year is that kind of year. We are talented, the kids play hard, they want to be coached, and most importantly they are in it for each other. It's a "magic" that happens and when it does it fuels you. It's the kind of team I lay awake at night for to make sure I am doing every thing I can for them. Not sure how this year will finish as far as wins and losses but they are special!

4. Winning. I really really really like to win :-)

5. This one is most important.... The kids. Helping to impact a young life and watching them grow on and off the floor. The life long relationships I have with former players. Watching your kids work so hard for something and then seeing them achieve it. That is the greatest part of coaching! Seeing them succeed and take the lessons from basketball and become stronger in all parts of their life. When it's a hard day, week or even season I just look back at the kids and how even in the tough years it was worth it!

So while it really isn't the business of some of the judgement comments about "how do you do that?" And "isn't that so hard", the answer is yes it is. I have times of tears from feeling guilty but I also know denying who I am and not living my life won't make me a better mom. And my career is a calling I don't just draw a paycheck.... I mean let's be honest :)!