Who really suffers?

Who really suffers?

It is always this time of year that I feel like I miss my kids. Having a baby this year magnifies it all because they change and grow SO fast. But in reality, while I know they miss time with me I have been thinking about who really is missing out.

My kids have a blast at school. I mean Nolan reaches for his teacher each morning. Peyton has good friends and plays and is learning new things all the time. It is me who is really cheated; not them. They know they are loved and they don’t know anything any different as far as school goes. I am the one who misses out, and not just on them. The guilt of being gone at works means when I am not working I feel this pull to be with them. So I miss out on anything that even resembles me time. I miss out on the recharge that in reality probably would make me a better wife, mother, coach and teacher. I push myself to a breaking point…. Then after breaking the cycle starts again.

My husband suffers. I have a shorter fuse and because of the pull I feel not to leave my kids we rarely go out. I honestly can’t remember the last date night we had… and it’s not his fault it is mine.

The joy in my career suffers. Not while I am doing it…. I mean I don’t lack passion or drive… but I feel guilty when it is over and guilty when I realize I have been so entrenched in my job that I haven’t thought about them in two hours. I really do LOVE to coach. I think I am pretty decent at it. I want to stop feeling guilty for that. Stop feeling guilty for wanting to do both. I want to be great at both…. I want to not feel guilty for wanting to be a working mom….

I know I am not alone. I know I am not the only working mother who feels this. There are many working mothers who want to actually stay home…. But does it make me bad that I don’t want to? I mean I definitely wish I had more time with my kids. In a perfect world there would be a better balance. But the truth is doing what I love doesn’t come easily in a part time package….

Trying to balance living my life that I worked so hard for AND balancing being all I can be for them…. I am guessing none of you out there have the answer???